DuckDuckGo Considers Adding a Third Duck
There's a spike in exhausted seven-year-olds. Pediatricians are blaming DuckDuckGo.
It has been a weird month for search engines with a mascot. First, the estate of Jeeves sued Anthropic. Now DuckDuckGo has an identity crisis of its own.
According to a source camping 300 yards from DuckDuckGo’s headquarters, an internal war room has formed around a single question: should the company add a third duck.
The proposal was first raised at an emergency team meeting, where it was pointed out, with visible discomfort, that they may have single-handedly ruined the children’s game of duck duck goose.
DuckDuckGo has spent eighteen years embedding a two-duck system into the childhood subconscious. Kids are now overcommitting to three taps, and the geese are ready. The game never progresses past the first player who is it. One child has reportedly been "it" since April.
Pediatricians’ offices across the country are reportedly citing DuckDuckGo by name in a rise of childhood exhaustion cases.
“I’ve had three exhausted seven-year-olds in my office this month, all with the same story: a failure to catch the goose. We’re calling it Chronic Goose Avoidance.”
— Dr. Yuna Owens,
Head of Pediatrics, Pediatrician Near Me Cleveland
Our source recovered a memo from the company identifying that a third duck would do more than fix a childhood party game. Executives at DuckDuckGo believe it would also make users feel more confident about privacy.
The stated reasoning leaned heavily on the idea that good things come in threes: the Three Little Pigs, third time’s the charm, and the three-second rule, which another source confirms is actively practiced in the DuckDuckGo lunchroom.
These discussions have been going on for weeks, and several other names have been considered for the rebrand, including QuackQuackGo, DuckDuckGoWhere, and our personal favorite, YellowDuckieDuckGo.
As of publication, no decision has been made. The source noted that the third duck, if approved, would not replace either existing duck, but would instead “stand slightly behind and to the left of the other two, in a supporting capacity.”
DuckDuckGo remains incognito and did not respond to a request for comment.
Just in case it wasn’t abundantly clear.. this is satire.
Thank you for reading. Now go touch grass.